Parental Drug And Alcohol Misuse Problems – A Family Affair

For the individual with a drug and alcohol misuse problems life is very seldom a bed of roses. For the using individual shame, guilt, worry, deceit and money issues are all present in varying degrees on an almost daily basis; and that is without the physical effects on withdrawals, cravings, hangovers and the shakes to deal with.

However, an individual’s relationship with drugs and alcohol does not happen in isolation. This is because drug and alcohol misuse does not only affect the individual themselves, it affects nearly everyone they are in contact with, especially their family.

I have been very careful not to use the word addict and addiction up until now and for good reason. Both words conjure up several images in people’s eyes, be it the portrayal of the characters in films like Trainspotting, Leaving Las Vegas or the passed-out person on the street. For the addicted drug and alcohol user the effects on them and their families are very severe however even if the individual is not addicted there should be no naivety to think that someone’s drinking and drug misuse is not affecting their families.

In terms of definition I am defining ‘misuse’ as “use that leads to harm (social, physical and psychological) both to the user and others associated with them (Scoda, 1997)”. Such problematic or harmful behaviour does not necessarily imply or depend on addiction or dependence, as I have indicated above, although as Forrester and Harwin (2011) find, it may do.

It is estimated that two million children and young people in the UK are affected by parental substance misuse (Manning et al, 2009). They estimate that there are around 300,000 children living with a ‘harmful’ drinking parent and Forrester (2012) suggests that one million children reside with a parent with an ‘alcohol problem’. Estimates for drug misusing parents indicate that 335,000 children live in the UK with a drug dependent parent (Manning et al, 2009).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How a parent with a drug or alcohol problem affects the child

Sometimes she’s a parent, but then sometimes when she needs to do what she has to do, she’s not there. Young person aged 17 (Houmoller et al, 2011).

They do love you, but they have to put that (drugs) first … it’s an illness really … it’s number one, the drug is – definitely. That’s something I’ve definitely had to accept to understand anything. However badly you want yourself to be number one to them, it’ll never happen. Young person aged 20 (Kroll and Taylor, 2008)

Being a parent is a responsible role. Ideally a parent should be a role model, someone to be relied upon, someone responsible of making good decisions for and on behalf of the family. However, when a parent has problems with drugs or alcohol the likelihood is that it will take over their lives and affect their ability to think and make good choices and decisions, not only for them but also for their family. This means that family life no longer becomes a priority. It has been found that in two parent families children often act as surrogate spouses for the parent who abuses substances. In single parent families it is not uncommon for children to behave in a manner that is not age-appropriate to compensate for the abusing parents’ deficiencies or they may develop elaborate systems of denial to protect themselves against the reality of their parent’s abuse.

Sometimes children will assume roles of the hero, the scapegoat, the clown or the dreamer – all of which are masks to what is really going on underneath.

In a 2013 Research in Practice/Frontline report they indicated that substance misuse affects child development in several other ways:

  • In utero exposure to drugs and alcohol may affect bonding, health and development (short and long term).
  • It adversely affects attachment, family dynamics and relationships.
  • It significantly increases the risk of physical and emotional neglect.
  • It is implicated in behavioural and mental health problems in children and young people.
  • It often undermines school performance and academic attainment.
  • It can erode self-esteem, self-worth and confidence.
  • It reduces levels of safety and oversight – inside and outside the home.
  • It can provide a problematic model for problem-solving.

The effects on children of substance misusing parents will be influenced by several factors such as their chronological age, stage of development, degree of vulnerability or resilience and the support systems they have available. This being the case not all children of parents who misuse substances are automatically going to experience developmental problems, but many do.

How a partner with a drug or alcohol misuse problem affects the other partner

Partners are often among the first to experience the consequences of their partner’s drug or alcohol misuse problems. Studies using cross-sectional and longitudinal designs have shown that compared with partners of non-drug and alcohol misusing individuals, partners of individuals with drug and alcohol misuse problems report elevated rates of anxiety and depression as well as decreased levels of relationship satisfaction and more frequent reports of mood disorders and physical and emotional abuse.

Adfam a UK national infrastructure body working to improve life for families affected by drugs and alcohol use indicate that “family members are often at a loss to understand why their loved one uses drugs or alcohol. Many (especially parents) blame themselves”.

It is not uncommon for the partner of the drug or alcohol misusing individual to often doubt themselves: Am I not a good enough partner? or are faced with numerous obstacles such as: How can I get them to stop? How can I protect my children? How can I hide this from my family, friends and neighbours?

The partner often feels angry, hurt, ashamed and afraid and goes into overdrive to try and ‘fix’ the situation, trying to compensate for their partners actions and behaviour and trying to cover up the mess.

As indicated earlier sometimes the parent=partner who is misusing will choose to use at a time when there are less risks, e.g. when children are in bed and their partner is at home to be “the responsible adult”.  Despite this appearing to be a “responsible” option there is always the risk that while under the influence they may become ill or their behaviour may become aggressive, especially if challenged by their non-using partner. Furthermore, over time the reliance on the non-using partner to “be responsible” creates feelings of resentment, anger and they will withdraw; this may eventually lead to separation or divorce.

Support

If you are misusing drugs and alcohol and are in a relationship, make no mistake you will be negatively affecting your partner, children and your family. Furthermore, the problem will not get better on its own. Irrespective of whatever shame and guilt you may be feeling drug and alcohol organisations such as Strong Hope are out there to listen and to offer support and treatment. Please do reach out to an agency near you or call/e-mail us in confidence.

In the words of James Baldwin “Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced”

If you are the partner, parent or child of someone that is misusing substances there are a network of national family support groups and helplines to offer you some support and guidance.

Here are just a few in the UK:

Adfam – Families Drugs and Alcohol

DrugFam – Drug and Alcohol Addiction Families

Al-Anon – Family Groups

Childline

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